My mother died on April 11th, 2016.
It was sudden, very unexpected. She lived 20 minutes away. We were very close.
So now, grief.
For 20 years, I've sat with grieving people suffering from all kinds of loss. Loss of a child, parent, spouse, sibling and friend. Sudden loss, gradual loss, traumatic loss, graceful loss. I've witnessed death and the dying process hundreds if not thousands of times. I've had years of education, training and experience. I've written books on the subject that have helped thousands, and taught my techniques of coping with grief to thousands as well.
But this was my mother. My dear, sweet mother, who first sat me down and taught me to do most of the important things I cherish in my life.
I've learned a few new things about grief that training and professional experience didn't teach me. It's been less than two months, and the arc of grief is long. Very long. I'm sharing these to help people who are suffering from grief who might feel alone or unprepared for their pain. I expect that there will be new pieces of information along the way. But so far, here's some morsels:
1) Grief sucks. This is really hard to convey in any other words. We all have our set of beliefs, or lack of beliefs, but there's no mistaking or sugar-coating this simple fact: It's really, really hard. Sure, it can be meaningful. It can be a lot of things. But from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep, it's impossibly difficult. The pain is massive. I have an acute sense that this pain of grief is a species-wide event. It's so much bigger than me, my relationship to my mother. It feels like a vast realm of the collective unconscious that spans the entire span of human existence.
2) The fog of grief is not to be underestimated. The forgetfulness is daunting. I have an incredibly diminished capacity to multi-task or remember things. Conversations I am somewhat aware of seem to have vanished in a blur. Things I did that first week feel like a dream. There's countless items that were sorted that seem to have disappeared, no doubt kept in a "safe place" at the time. That safe place is clearly not my brain.
3) Some people can be really awkward about being around you. Most people really don't want to know when they ask "How are you?". It's nothing personal. Just shrug and move on. Some people don't even want to talk to you. Perhaps they think it's helpful to give you space? Who knows. I've learned that it's a waste of resources to try and figure out these people. Move on to the ones who feel comfortable being around. The only thing worse than being asked how you are is not being asked how you are. There are no right answers on how to behave. Give people room to mess it up.
4) Give yourself room. The Pain is so big, it's got a life of its own, and it might not match yours. Healthy self-care is essential. Be kind to yourself. Go out of your way to find healthy ways to cope. Meditate. Exercise. Eat plants. Don't drink alcohol. Stay hydrated. The last thing you need with all of the pain is getting sloppy or unhealthy. The path of nihilism, that what you do doesn't matter because the pain is relentless, is wrong. The pain feels vast and endless, but what you do does matter. The choices you make of how to face the pain will determine who you will be as you grieve.
5) Expect nothing. Don't expect straight lines or finish lines in grief. Don't expect pain. Don't expect relief. Each day, each moment is full of surprises that can be pleasant or unpleasant. Be open. There are a million triggers a day that are impossible to control. There are also a million opportunities for joy that are easy to overlook. Try and be present. Just try.
6) Keep your heart open. See #4.
7) Don't be an expert. Be human.
Showing posts with label #bereavement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #bereavement. Show all posts
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
7 Suggestions for Grieving During the Holidays
The decorations seems to go up earlier and earlier every year. This time it was even before Halloween. The whole world seems to want to tell us to be happy this time of year.
A lot of people I know hate this time of year.
If you've suffered a loss recently, or even several years ago, you know what I mean. It's just not the same. Even if Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years' didn't feel like big deals to you before, they may seem to feel dreadful now. This is the time of year when schools close, businesses shut down, and people take vacations.
All to be together.
But after grief, it's often now when the absence of a loved one is silently screaming into your heart louder than before. That empty space, that vacuum, that sudden panic that something is terribly wrong. It all seems to come back in the run up to the holiday season.
By now, you may have learned that controlling these emotions is often unrealistic. The approach I've come to appreciate as more helpful than trying to control feelings is to instead manage the stress that this time of year and these very heavy emotions can bring. The research on stress management is therefore perhaps more relevant than theories about grief. Unlike grief, we don't consider stress to come in stages. It's a relentless presence in all of our lives, more so in the non-linear pain of grief.
So how to manage during the holidays? The following might help:
1) Keep in mind that you're not suffering alone. The holidays are difficult for millions of people around the world, even though it's not addressed in television advertising and marketing. You are not alone in your pain, although the pain can feel terribly lonely. Even if your loss happened a long time ago, the holidays have a unique way of dredging up lost memories and the intensity of grief. You're not moving backwards, grief is circular. It often feels like it's running laps around milestone dates like birthdays and holidays.
2) Choose the people you want to be around. Choose helpful people, if you can. Perhaps your place of worship reaches out to people during the holidays. Try it out. If you find you really have no one around during the holidays, think of alternative plans you can make. Chinese restaurants are usually open, and there's less likelihood of running into families doing their Christmas shopping there. Try not to stay home in the confines of your pain.
3) Exercise. Grief is stressful. Work out the stress. I live in south Florida, where it's very pleasant this time of year. Chances are though that going for a walk is not realistic where you life. You might have to join a gym. You probably don't want to be walking around an indoor shopping mall with all the families, couples and Christmas carols playing. Bring headphones to the gym and walk on the treadmill or around their track. It burns off the stress in your body and gets you out of the house. Try and exercise in some form at least a few times a week. Research indicates that several months of moderate cardio exercise 30 minutes 3-4 times a week can be as effective as an anti-depressant, even in people with less than optimal health.
4) Eat as well as you can. Stress makes your body crave sweets and fat. Grief is stressful. There's tons of sugary snacks around during the holidays. It's a very dangerous combination! Try and eat as healthy as you can. You don't have to juice or become vegan, but do try to eat as many fresh fruits and vegetables instead of packaged snacks. The last thing you need with intense grief is cycling through sugar crashes.
5) Be mindful of addictive behaviors such as alcohol, smoking, or gambling. There's a reason people do these self-destructive behaviors: they feel good. Why do they feel good when we know they're not good for you? Fundamentally, they give you a sense of control. Grief is the consequence of total lack of control. None of us can control someone else's life span or even our own. Many people find an addiction gives them a sense of control, even if it comes at the expense of well-being. Try not to fall into this trap. Besides, alcohol is technically a depressant, smoking ruins your quality of life before killing you and gambling is expensive. None of these sound like good coping skills because they aren't. If you've benefiting from AA or NA in the past, the holidays are a good time to attend regular meetings.
6) Start meditating. A steady combination of regular meditation and exercise can completely transform how you experience stress. You can learn how to meditate here in some of my books. Nurture your spirit, even if your religious beliefs have been shaken or destroyed.
7) If you can't do it on your own, seek help. Reach out. Get into therapy. If you don't like your therapist, shop around. Try out different support groups till you find the right fit. There's no shame in taking psychiatric medication to get through this time of year if you need it. Grief is sometimes so intense, so outside of what we can easily manage, you should leave no stone unturned in seeking help.
I like to think of these challenging times of year as an athletic event. Instead of physical sports, the holidays are Olympic events that can stretch the limits of your emotional and spiritual endurance. You can't control whether or not you'll experience grief, but you can manage the stress of the holidays by approaching them with he attitude of an endurance athlete. That means developing regular training routines incorporating the above guidelines.
I wish you peace and freedom from suffering.
A lot of people I know hate this time of year.
If you've suffered a loss recently, or even several years ago, you know what I mean. It's just not the same. Even if Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years' didn't feel like big deals to you before, they may seem to feel dreadful now. This is the time of year when schools close, businesses shut down, and people take vacations.
All to be together.
But after grief, it's often now when the absence of a loved one is silently screaming into your heart louder than before. That empty space, that vacuum, that sudden panic that something is terribly wrong. It all seems to come back in the run up to the holiday season.
By now, you may have learned that controlling these emotions is often unrealistic. The approach I've come to appreciate as more helpful than trying to control feelings is to instead manage the stress that this time of year and these very heavy emotions can bring. The research on stress management is therefore perhaps more relevant than theories about grief. Unlike grief, we don't consider stress to come in stages. It's a relentless presence in all of our lives, more so in the non-linear pain of grief.
So how to manage during the holidays? The following might help:
1) Keep in mind that you're not suffering alone. The holidays are difficult for millions of people around the world, even though it's not addressed in television advertising and marketing. You are not alone in your pain, although the pain can feel terribly lonely. Even if your loss happened a long time ago, the holidays have a unique way of dredging up lost memories and the intensity of grief. You're not moving backwards, grief is circular. It often feels like it's running laps around milestone dates like birthdays and holidays.
2) Choose the people you want to be around. Choose helpful people, if you can. Perhaps your place of worship reaches out to people during the holidays. Try it out. If you find you really have no one around during the holidays, think of alternative plans you can make. Chinese restaurants are usually open, and there's less likelihood of running into families doing their Christmas shopping there. Try not to stay home in the confines of your pain.
3) Exercise. Grief is stressful. Work out the stress. I live in south Florida, where it's very pleasant this time of year. Chances are though that going for a walk is not realistic where you life. You might have to join a gym. You probably don't want to be walking around an indoor shopping mall with all the families, couples and Christmas carols playing. Bring headphones to the gym and walk on the treadmill or around their track. It burns off the stress in your body and gets you out of the house. Try and exercise in some form at least a few times a week. Research indicates that several months of moderate cardio exercise 30 minutes 3-4 times a week can be as effective as an anti-depressant, even in people with less than optimal health.
4) Eat as well as you can. Stress makes your body crave sweets and fat. Grief is stressful. There's tons of sugary snacks around during the holidays. It's a very dangerous combination! Try and eat as healthy as you can. You don't have to juice or become vegan, but do try to eat as many fresh fruits and vegetables instead of packaged snacks. The last thing you need with intense grief is cycling through sugar crashes.
5) Be mindful of addictive behaviors such as alcohol, smoking, or gambling. There's a reason people do these self-destructive behaviors: they feel good. Why do they feel good when we know they're not good for you? Fundamentally, they give you a sense of control. Grief is the consequence of total lack of control. None of us can control someone else's life span or even our own. Many people find an addiction gives them a sense of control, even if it comes at the expense of well-being. Try not to fall into this trap. Besides, alcohol is technically a depressant, smoking ruins your quality of life before killing you and gambling is expensive. None of these sound like good coping skills because they aren't. If you've benefiting from AA or NA in the past, the holidays are a good time to attend regular meetings.
6) Start meditating. A steady combination of regular meditation and exercise can completely transform how you experience stress. You can learn how to meditate here in some of my books. Nurture your spirit, even if your religious beliefs have been shaken or destroyed.
7) If you can't do it on your own, seek help. Reach out. Get into therapy. If you don't like your therapist, shop around. Try out different support groups till you find the right fit. There's no shame in taking psychiatric medication to get through this time of year if you need it. Grief is sometimes so intense, so outside of what we can easily manage, you should leave no stone unturned in seeking help.
I like to think of these challenging times of year as an athletic event. Instead of physical sports, the holidays are Olympic events that can stretch the limits of your emotional and spiritual endurance. You can't control whether or not you'll experience grief, but you can manage the stress of the holidays by approaching them with he attitude of an endurance athlete. That means developing regular training routines incorporating the above guidelines.
I wish you peace and freedom from suffering.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Six tips for getting through the holidays with grief
The holidays are coming again. Before you know it, they'll be here.
There's an assumption that this is a joyful time of year. If you've suffered a loss, this is one of the hardest times of year. Most of the people I've worked with over the years find that no matter when their loss occurred, the spiral path of grief tends to circle back to very difficult emotions around the holidays. The holidays have taught me there are few straight lines in grief, and even fewer finish lines. The holidays can feel like a big setback.
Even though you may be having a very hard time now, there's nothing wrong with you because of it, and you're probably not moving backwards through your grief. The anticipation of memories can feel very intimidating, like a giant emotional buzzsaw waiting at the end of the year, spinning madly as you helplessly move closer into it.
The holidays are stressful under even ideal circumstances. In the context of grief, they can feel absolutely terrifying. There's not much you can do to skip them, so you might as well find a way to get through them as healthy as you can. Grief sometimes feels like a battlefield; the holidays are grief's bootcamp. The goal of getting through this time of year is to not only endure but to grow into a sense of resilience.
Here are six tips to help you make that happen:
1) The path of least resistance is to isolate and write off the day, as if pretending the holidays aren't happening will make them go away. This usually doesn't work. Try and make plans to be around supportive people, or at least go to supportive places, either in person or online. This may mean avoiding the mall. Make these plans in advance so you don't wake up on the morning of a holiday occasion with no idea what to do.
2) Manage the stress with exercise. The holidays are stress. Sometimes it's a good stress, but often in grief it's a really heavy, nasty stress. Burn off the stress with exercise. Walk, swim, get on a treadmill. Use whatever form of exercise you can use safely, but do something. Use your gym membership if you have one. The holidays are the one time of year it's really important to get into an exercise routine of at least 20-30 minutes, 3-4 times a week. This is the researched dose for emotional well-being. It takes a while to kick in, so get started now.
3) Manage the stress with nutrition. The holidays bring a host of potentially awful food choices. Fruitcake, cookie baskets, endless buckets of candy litter most work places. You don't have to eat this stuff cause it's there. Stress eating is a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off and devastate your health. Remember, the holidays are a stressful time of year, so the rules are different. It's very important to make healthier choices, not self-destructive ones. Comfort foods should help you feel resilient, not tired and cranky.
4) Manage the stress with meditation. Even if you don't meditate the rest of the year, it's so important to establish and maintain a meditation routine these final months of the year. Remember, the rules are different-- it's the holidays. You need to step up to the challenge by sitting down and watching your breath. Mindfulness can help keep you from being swallowed up by the pain to watching the pain. It's a subtle but huge difference, and well worth the effort.
5) Do not belittle or judge yourself for being in pain. The holidays bring back so many memories, so many wishes. This is natural. It happens to just about everyone this time of year. This pain may feel massive, so big and so intense that it can't possibly be normal. And yet it is. This suffering has been with us forever, and it will be with us forever. We are human beings, and thank goodness we feel hardship when we lose people we love. Grief often doesn't have stages, the holidays are clear reminders of this. Cry if you need to. Take long showers if you're around family, they can't hear you cry in there very easily.
6) Set goals for the coming year. What do you want to do after you get through the holidays? It can help to have something else to look forward to so you can be distracted from holiday pain.
There's an assumption that this is a joyful time of year. If you've suffered a loss, this is one of the hardest times of year. Most of the people I've worked with over the years find that no matter when their loss occurred, the spiral path of grief tends to circle back to very difficult emotions around the holidays. The holidays have taught me there are few straight lines in grief, and even fewer finish lines. The holidays can feel like a big setback.
Even though you may be having a very hard time now, there's nothing wrong with you because of it, and you're probably not moving backwards through your grief. The anticipation of memories can feel very intimidating, like a giant emotional buzzsaw waiting at the end of the year, spinning madly as you helplessly move closer into it.
The holidays are stressful under even ideal circumstances. In the context of grief, they can feel absolutely terrifying. There's not much you can do to skip them, so you might as well find a way to get through them as healthy as you can. Grief sometimes feels like a battlefield; the holidays are grief's bootcamp. The goal of getting through this time of year is to not only endure but to grow into a sense of resilience.
Here are six tips to help you make that happen:
1) The path of least resistance is to isolate and write off the day, as if pretending the holidays aren't happening will make them go away. This usually doesn't work. Try and make plans to be around supportive people, or at least go to supportive places, either in person or online. This may mean avoiding the mall. Make these plans in advance so you don't wake up on the morning of a holiday occasion with no idea what to do.
2) Manage the stress with exercise. The holidays are stress. Sometimes it's a good stress, but often in grief it's a really heavy, nasty stress. Burn off the stress with exercise. Walk, swim, get on a treadmill. Use whatever form of exercise you can use safely, but do something. Use your gym membership if you have one. The holidays are the one time of year it's really important to get into an exercise routine of at least 20-30 minutes, 3-4 times a week. This is the researched dose for emotional well-being. It takes a while to kick in, so get started now.
3) Manage the stress with nutrition. The holidays bring a host of potentially awful food choices. Fruitcake, cookie baskets, endless buckets of candy litter most work places. You don't have to eat this stuff cause it's there. Stress eating is a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off and devastate your health. Remember, the holidays are a stressful time of year, so the rules are different. It's very important to make healthier choices, not self-destructive ones. Comfort foods should help you feel resilient, not tired and cranky.
4) Manage the stress with meditation. Even if you don't meditate the rest of the year, it's so important to establish and maintain a meditation routine these final months of the year. Remember, the rules are different-- it's the holidays. You need to step up to the challenge by sitting down and watching your breath. Mindfulness can help keep you from being swallowed up by the pain to watching the pain. It's a subtle but huge difference, and well worth the effort.
5) Do not belittle or judge yourself for being in pain. The holidays bring back so many memories, so many wishes. This is natural. It happens to just about everyone this time of year. This pain may feel massive, so big and so intense that it can't possibly be normal. And yet it is. This suffering has been with us forever, and it will be with us forever. We are human beings, and thank goodness we feel hardship when we lose people we love. Grief often doesn't have stages, the holidays are clear reminders of this. Cry if you need to. Take long showers if you're around family, they can't hear you cry in there very easily.
6) Set goals for the coming year. What do you want to do after you get through the holidays? It can help to have something else to look forward to so you can be distracted from holiday pain.
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